The topic of true love has been debated for centuries and probably will continue for many more. This post is not intended to further that debate, but rather to make true love attainable.
Often when people are initially attracted physically, they might confuse that with true love. The experience, commonly known as falling in love, is amazing because it is the best all-natural drug cocktail on the planet. With the right combination of stimuli, the heart signals the brain to flood the system with oxytocin and vasopressin. It is a drug response, natural-body drugs, but drugs nonetheless. There is an experience of being high and of well-being—this is a physical response. So then, falling in love, is the beginning in most cases of a long-term relationship, it is not true love.
Love Simply Is
Perhaps it would be more understandable if we looked at love in two ways. One is the general notion of love and the other is true love. Dr. Gerald Jampolsky, author of “Love Is Letting Go of Fear” and “Teach Only Love,” makes a case for the following observation—Love is. It simply is. It does not need you and it does not need me to exist, and that is the miracle of it—it just is. True love, on the other hand, needs you and me. Think about it much like air. The air is—it surrounds us, it is here—but if we do not breathe it, we will not experience it. By the same token, you must be an expression of love in order to experience true love.
There are couples that have spent years going through the blood, sweat, and tears of life and relationship challenges, growing in the mastery of true love. They were willing to share their outlook with me and I have taken the liberty of integrating what they had to say here. We can learn a great deal from their journeys. Many told me that it took years for them to get to the kind of love we are talking about.
They said there were periods in their relationship that love, as an experience at all, was beyond their reach. While at other times, it was easy and seemed natural. True love, as I am describing it here, they had not considered before. And after understanding it, they realized that is the way they have grown to love now. They just didn’t have a distinction for it. They said the best part is that it is not easy nor difficult, it is simply a lifestyle.” I asked them, “What would be your wish on this topic, if you could have one?” Their response: “We wish it hadn’t taken so long for us to become aware. True love would have been available sooner and we would have had more enjoyable years.”
I am convinced that we all want true love if we want love at all. While not mistaking falling in love for true love, let us also not discount the blood, sweat, and tears that were characterized by our couples as they developed it for themselves. Knowing what it is, and that a relationship can be easier and more natural, makes accessing it quickly very enticing.
What Is It, Exactly?
So then, what is it exactly? True love is the experience that your beloved is perfect—exactly the way he/she is—allowing them to be the way they are as a conscious decision. This is not the same acceptance as when we had the physical and biological influence—it does not leave one feeling high, but rather united, secure, and peaceful. Allowing one another to be as you are, that is how you experience true love. It is this moment-by-moment choice that develops into a relationship habit.
An Added Benefit
This is the added benefit, a miracle even—people who can create this experience, allowing their partners to simply be as they are, also discover themselves. They develop a capacity of experiencing oneself; one’s true self beyond the ego. The relationship becomes a solid ground where we can be reconstituted in a fresh new way.
How to Nurture It
Now that we know what it is and we know it is accessible, how do we nurture it?
Do this daily exercise (below). Allow yourself to explore all the possible ideas, and your relationship will reap the rewards. It is a remarkable and simple add-on to your day. It is especially effective if you have time set aside in your mornings, it does set a tone. This way, the attitudes and actions toward your beloved will not be left to chance. Once you get yourself centered and at peace, consider what you will do or how you might act, to have your beloved feel incredible today. How will you encourage them to be grateful that you are in their life?
Give it a try, and please share your results in the comments below.
Thomas Kuster has trained inside the work of Peter K. Gerlach – Parts and The Internal Family, Patricia McDade – Consulting Alliance, and is certified through the HEARTMATH Institute and the Awakening Coaching Alliance. His systematic approach, The Heart Path, along with his unique point of view, helps couples and individuals see new possibilities for their relationships. Thomas started his coaching career in 1995. He designed and produced a classroom series for couples called Partners For Life, partners committed to a lifetime versus a life sentence.